I have energy drinks and an internet connection. I am determined for this night to end with some form of creativity on my part, and also a life plan for the next six months.

This is likely quite optimistic of me. More probably it will with my lying in bed staring at the ceiling wishing I hadn't consumed hundreds of milligrams of caffeine.

Which kind of makes me a winner anyway!

Right?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of entitlement and what it means for me.

Every action I take or don't take, every decision I make, it seems, is propelled by some voice within me asking Do I deserve it? I've only recently realized that this is why I get flustered and blush when asked what I want to do with my life, what kind of career I want, what kind of guy I'd like to date.

Because instantaneously, I subconsciously ask myself Well, what do I deserve? What kind of career do I deserve? Definitely not the one I really want, because rewards like that have to be earned, and what have I done to earn that? And I probably don't deserve an amazing, fabulous guy, so I should settle for someone else. I'm not good enough in my own right, right now, to deserve the things I desire.

( I ramble for a while. )

It's 3:30 in the morning. I am so... not tired. Not at all. Not one little bit. This is a problem for me, because at the same time, I've been awake for a long time, and I don't really want to do anything, either. My story is at 25,000 words, but I'm at the point where I really need to time some time to reread and figure out main plots points and character quirks in order to continue on without a lot of hassle. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

In other news, went to the city the other night, to this club. I wore a cute outfit and didn't drink alcohol. Dancing without alcohol is... not as much fun as dancing with it. *g*

Anyway. I'm kinda bored. Maybe I'll trim my flist and groups and find some new groups. If I trim you, it's just because we haven't really interacted in a long time and don't seem to have too too much in common. But much love and peace to you.

Ho hum.

( Nano )

I'm completely obsessed with Kid Nation. If you haven't caught it at all, you can watch every episode at CBS.com. I'd forgotten how interesting kids can be.

( NaNo update )

I went to an abs class at the gym tonight, and was really disappointed. Not only was it not very challenging or varied (we did crunches, the plank pose, and... more crunches), the instructor was kind of flighty. She kept saying things like, "Ok, now we're done with that, so... let's turn over. Okay. Hm. Let's do some crunches."

*makes face*

It did make me feel kind of good, though, knowing that I was stronger than the grunting people there.

A word of caution:

Never pray for inspiration. You will end up completely rewriting your story, changing it from a single-character first-person POV to a multi-character third-person and wondering where the hell it's going.

New story word count: 3,034 so far. Honestly, it will be a much better story, much cleaner, but it's a little tougher to write.

I think I'll stick it out until 3, then head to the gym. My only goal today is to get back up to the word count I had yesterday.

Edited: 5,333.
6,880.

I don't think I'll reach another 6,000 by tonight, but I'm pretty satisfied so far.

Ok. 8, 170, and I'm starting to merge my first version with my second. Now I sleep.

No idea where this is going.

9,195.

Ok, let's try this again today.

Tea: brewing

Goal Word Count: 5,000

Edited: Yes! Goal reached! Official word count: 11,770

Official word count for today: 6,698.

Phew. I think I'm creatively wiped out.

I just ordered enough Chinese food for ten people.

Anyway. So, a nice part of my weekend was getting away and writing a bunch of NaNoWriMo prep stuff. I filled up a bunch of pages in my little notebook at the slot machines. I've also been reading a bunch of YA fantasy books for research (and enjoyment; I really do love the genre. It's like "The most awkward and confusing time of your life! With fairies!") Anyway. I'm reading this particularly good one, Betwixt, by Tara Bray Smith. And I just finished the new Kiki Strike book, which I thought was better than the first.

Anyway, the more books I read, the more I'm realizing that there's basically no set... mrhm, what am I trying to say? - No set particular style, which I previously thought was the case. But while many elements of many stories share things in common (she's really a fairy! and/or wanted by a fairy and/or a vampire and/or a demon and there are drugs/raves/neglectful parents/punk central characters/oblivious crushes), the prose ranges from introspective, soulful goth-y stuff, (lots of big words) to very light and breezy, to extremely narrative vs. much dialogue/little narration.... etc etc etc.

And I find it really invigorating, that so many different styles exist and people are understanding and relating to the particular quirks of each. Because then I feel like maybe my style would fit in somewhere with that, too. After all, published writers are just ones who got off their asses to see the job through to the end, and maybe caught a lucky break or got it to the right person in the right place. I mean, obviously, they have to be good stories, but I'm sure there are as many unpublished fabulous works as there are those sitting on the endcaps of Barnes and Noble.

Dumbledore is gay. From J.K. Rowling's mouth.

Yay!

All right, granted, I may be PMS-ing a bit. But honestly, Anonymous Lady Behind Me in the Express Checkout Line -

I don't care if all you had was a pistachio muffin. I don't see why that makes you think that if you ask me if you can cut ahead of me, I'll say yes. All I had was a package of cookies, a carton of ice cream, Little Debbie wafers, and peanut butter.

It's the express lane, for cripe's sakes. Two extra minutes to ring up my four items is not going to kill you.

Also, a big middle finger to that look you gave me when I refused. Asking for a favor does not entitle you to receive it.

Blah.

SNAKES ON A PLANE! SNAKES ON A PLANE!

Ok, more like BUGS IN A CLOSET! which is actually scarier, considering I don't go on planes, but I do go in my closet.

*wimpers*

I'm still scared, even though they are now BUGS IN A VACUUM, technically. I feel itchy all over. Ish.

Continuing my trend of knitting projects that reform themselves into a glittery pink shadow of their former selves, I give you ( Snoozing Ned )

So I've been wanting to make this Swamp Witch Shawl from AntiCraft since I saw it, and with fall lurking around the corner, it seemed a good time to go for it.

( pics )
Of course, somehow anything I make has the tendency to recreate itself in its own girly, sparkly, fluffy incarnation. I doubt the AntiCraft ladies would approve. It wasn't my fault, though; I had to substitute the yarns, because this was what was on sale on the craft store.

I used a ball of Lion's Brand Wool-Ease Worsted, a TLC Heathers in Purple Haze, 2 balls of Moonlight Mohair in #205 Glacier Bay (on sale for $1.97 each), and 2 balls of Moda Dea Curious in a purply color.

I learned that knitting with size 35 needles is crazy-clumsy. You get used to it after a while though. This one I knit in a day, so probably... I don't know, a couple hours while watching TV.

Notes for next time: use a dark gray Wool-Ease for better colors. Also, don't switch from purple to pink Moda-Dea.

I like writing at 3:00 in the morning because I'm too tired for my logical brain to start launching its criticism at everything I write.

The downside is that I'm fairly certain I'm writing total gibberish, and will wake up tomorrow and wonder what drugs I was on when I wrote this.

I'm eating pie.

A pie.

A whole pie.

Well. Maybe not the whole pie.

I'm not so ambitious.

Ladlala

Mmm....

bright new day.

:)

I'm up to almost 10,000 words for the August edition of NaNoWriMo I'm participating in. I seem to have hit a critical juncture where I'm writing more out of obligation than inspiration, and I have key plot points in my mind that need to get in there, but I haven't figured out how to incorporate anything yet.

Thus, I'm finding numerous methods of distraction. Brownies and Dr. Phil are involved.

Did I ever post about how that last story I was writing, the one I was so excited about a few months ago, turned out to be the plot for Robots? Yeah, that was fun. Hehe.

I"m just waiting to finish this one and find out it's a movie from the '80s starring Meryl Streep or something.

Weeds tonight!! And new Big Love. Nice.

Reason #42 to love garage sales:

$12 mini-trampolines!

Whoohoo!